Ive been meaning to sit down and start a blog,Really i have,LOL. But it seems that the neverending cycle of events in my life have prevented this.So ill give it a shot,we shall see how long this lasts. Please be prepared for my randomness and scattered thoughts. thats how I roll.


Though I am finally at a happy place in my life it seems that I do not give my self any "ME" time.My entire 24 hours a day is spent tending to others.cooking,Cleaning,Driving to therapists after therapist and doctor after doctor.that is just a small list of things I try and accomplish each day.


After I dropped sophie off with her therapist the other day i was walking through walkmart and my flip flop broke. it was then that I looked down at my shoe at thought to myself... I have had these old navy flip flops for over 2 years. they are chewed badly from the bunny and dirty....then the more I started to think about it the more I realized how little I do for myself.


Do you ever have those moments when you just want to hop in your car and disappear for a week? just to be alone? This was one of those moments. I wanted to just leave her at therapy and just drive.no where in particular, i just wanted to GO. how horrible does that sound?


Ive said it before and I will say it once again, I would never trade my life for anything...EVER. But I kind of see it like this......


I spent my entire life wandering around aimlessly and wondering what my place in this world is. My mom and dad always said that God placed me on this earth to help people. to serve. i always thought they were crazy. Who was i supposed to help? and why? Then I got pregnant.....


i spent the 8months of my pregnancy(yes 8,she was born early) listening to all of the advice and reading every parenting and "what to expect" book I could get my hands on,Thinking that if I did this,there would be no suprises. Boy was I WRONG.


I think that an article I read once about a woman with a special needs child put it best she said that she compared parenting a special needs child to a vacation gone awry. Say you plan a trip to Romy,italy. you spend 9 long months planning every single detail of your trip so that it is the absolute perfect vacation. time comes for your trip,you get on the plane and when the plane lands the captian comes over the intercom he says "Welcome to Holland". You think "holland? Holland?! I was headed for beautiful and luxurious Rome and i land in...Holland?!" This is how is see my experience as a parent. though I expected the absolute perfect,carefree storybook type of experience I got something slightly less perfect(disclosure-I am in no way referring to Sophia! Im referring to the ease and difficulty of parenting!)


but this just goes to show me my parents were right. I was put on this earth to care for and help someone. My daughter. My angel. My heart. I would do ANYTHING and I do do anything for this child. Im her mother,her teacher,her advocate. I spend every waking moment caring for her, making sure she is comfortable,monitering seizure activity and coordinating all of her many,many appointments. Is it easy? let me be blunt and say fuck no it isnt. im tired,i havent slept more than 5 hours a night in over 2 years.My heart is secretly full of ache having to watch my precious and innocent baby go through the things she has had to and still is going through. But you know what? if I could do it over, if I could go back and have a child with no health problems,A child who doesnt bite me 100s of times a day and smear poop on the walls and bite me and spit on me... i wouldnt..I wouldnt trade her for anything. She is perfect to me.


If I would just breathe.Things might seem simple again. but until I have the time to breathe I wont.

I dont know...maybe its just me, but when youre married you arent supposed to question the quality of your marriage 25 times a day are you? arent you supposed to be happy and know that the person you said "i do " to is in fact the one that you want to spend the rest of your life with? at least thats what my understanding of marriage was when i cam into it. but as every day passes i find myself wondering if i did that right thing... I wish i could be happy and know what my future holds but im having trouble with that.

So here I am...A little info for all...Im a new mom,my baby is 10.5 weeks old.SHE A DOLL.I should be happier than ever am I right?Well,I AM happy with motherhood.theres nothing better.the problem im having is my HUSBAND!Hes always been on the lazy side and I guess I never really realized how bad it was until the baby was born.He thinks that b/c I dont work that I should take FULL baby duty.Hes probably changed 2 diapers by himself since her birth.Maybe a total of 5 with my help...He works overnight and i understand hes tired but when he gets home he goes to bed and sleeps maybe for 6 hours or so and if i ask him to get up for a bit and help me with something i get the response that hes too tired...well i say IM TIRED TOO!!! then he goes on this ''schpeel'' about how i dont have to "work" later...umm...EXCUSE me! i work me ass off 24 hours a day. i keep our house clean as can be,do his laundry,cook his dinner and get no help with the baby.sometimes,well alot of times, i wonder if marrying was the right thing to do....i mean, am i crazy? its not fair,am i right?